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Jennifer Ann Margaret

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HA! [05 Jan 2007|05:45pm]
[ mood | blank ]

stab me please

[25 Jun 2006|10:58pm]
Bugger me entire life is falling apart.
stab me please

"A" [23 Mar 2006|05:11pm]
These are the first three pages from "A" a graphic novela that I am working on.




INT. BEDROOM - AVALON TREATMENT FACILITY- LANDING CONNECTICUT - DAY
Light pears through the blinds of a rather large sliding window on the east side of the room.
CAPTION: "They've put me away. Because I was slipping away."
CAPTION: "Discovered with my only escape. With the intention of creating a red ink caption."
AN EYE LID WIDENS. The shimmering green that dwells behind it is abrasively introduced to what is clearly the sun, going about its daily remission.
CAPTION: "To prop alongside my sanity. My damaged olive skin."
The glassy emerald wonder that burns in the fading light appears to be long to a young woman, no older than the age of 18. She quickly sits up, giving us a better look at her features. Curly dark hair provides the perfect framing for a portrait of staggeringly subtle allure. Her skin almost parallel to the complexion of an olive in this waning illumination. A bandage sits atop her brow.
A YOUNG GIRL, about the age of ten sits across from her. She greets her senior with a smile.
YOUNG GIRL
Hello. Who are you?
Beauty sits up in her bed, every bit as disoriented as a person in her condition should be.
BEAUTY
I'm Inadia.
YOUNG GIRL
Inadia what?
INADIA
Just Inadia. I don't have any other names.
(looks around)
What is this place?
YOUNG GIRL
Hi Inadia. My name is Katherine, Katherine Moriarty. This is Avalon, its a Hospital for young people...who are broken.
INADIA
In what kind of way?
KATHERINE
All kinds of ways!
INADIA
Where?
KATHERINE
Connecticut.
Inadia leaps from her bed and over to the window. She pulls back the blinds to discover the promisingly peaceful country that rests within inches of her fingertips, which she notices are pressed fiercely against the heavy glass.
INADIA
How did I end up all the way out here? I was heading south.
Katherine moves from her bed over to Inadia's.
KATHERINE
Beats me. You're a real big mystery to all of the doctors and staff here. They have been talking about you since you got here. No one knows where you came from.
Inadia moves to the other side of the room where the her bags rest. She checks her things.
INADIA
My journals, they've taken them.
Katherine appears at her side.
KATHERINE
Spiral binding. They're not allowed, along with anything we can potentially hurt ourselves with.
Katherine looks down at Inadia's arms. They're covered in marks, scars, and bruises.
KATHERINE (CONT'D)
What happened to your arms?
INADIA
Its nothing.
Inadia reintroduces herself to her bed.
KATHERINE
No!
She leaps onto the bed, inches away from Inadia's face.
KATHERINE (CONT'D)
No more sleep. You've been sleeping for days. I'm famished, we'll go scare up something to eat.
CUT TO:
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
Your standard bare white walls, that seem to go on forever no matter what direction you are traveling in. Katherine leads Inadia by the hand.
CAPTION: These white walls feel like atrophy that nestle at the top of the bog... Waiting for me to float to the top.
CAPTION: This is such a strange place.
CAPTION: I have never seen anything like it in my short life.
INADIA looks down at her new friend.
CAPTION: And who is this strange girl in this strange place? Her placid red hair that mimics hotel curtains, a motionless mass that cuts into this insipid backdrop.
They pass the first room. Inside sits another young lady much older than Katherine but younger than Inadia. She looks spent, empty, desperate. Inadia watches her in wonder.
KATHERINE
That's Tortis. She's been here as long as me. She WAS in the special patients ward. But Mrs. Avalon moved her up here not too long ago.
They continue past another room. Yet another female dwells inside, this one a tall, statuesque figure, she's frozen in front of a half finished portrait, her clothes covered in paint.
KATHERINE (CONT'D)
That's Martha. She's only been her a couple weeks.
Inadia notices that her wrists are heavily bandaged.
KATHERINE (CONT'D)
She tried to kill herself. She keeps to herself though, so you don't have to worry about her getting out of place.
Martha turns around and her eyes immediately lock with Inadia's. She smiles, warm, friendly, almost invasive, then back to work.
Inadia and Katherine are on their way again.
stab me please

[08 Mar 2006|04:47am]
43...I have 43 new friends running down my leg.
stab me please

i surrender [05 Mar 2006|03:18am]
Fuck this
I don;t care
Bring me all of the drugs, razors and alcohol
Food, fuck you
FUCK YOU dearly, sincerly
ihate you
everyone that has hurt me
i hate you so much
i hate you
i will never forgive you
ever
ever
never
its my body i can what i want with it
its not your place to say what i should or shouldn;t do
I have control
I have it
no one elese but me
if i want to starve then its my business
why do you even pretend to care
younever loved me
no one did
you used me
lied to me
all of you
and you abused and ravaged my love
i will never trust you with my mind
with my body
with my soul
because all you will ever do is hurt me
die
die
i'm going to fucking die
and somone how it all feel sright
its never as bad as you say it is for you
you don't know bad until you are me
until you feel what its like to be ME
TO BE FUCKING ME
FUCKING ME
i love you dear heart i love your complexion and the love that leaks from you
cut cut cut cut cut cit cut its all that i ever really had
blood my blood that i will share with them and they will take in every drop of me
for this is my gift to you
1 stab wound| stab me please

poem [05 Mar 2006|03:09am]
EyE Bleed Meta4s: high
forgottnlore: Hey
EyE Bleed Meta4s: whats up/
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i am beat
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and away from home
forgottnlore: ?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and i have no idea what i am doing at the moment
EyE Bleed Meta4s: but its crazy
forgottnlore: ??
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i learned alot this weekend so far
forgottnlore: o?
forgottnlore: like what?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: bad things
EyE Bleed Meta4s: so bad i had to run away from NJ
EyE Bleed Meta4s: as far as i could get
forgottnlore: where are you?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i'm in NY at the moment
forgottnlore: wow.
forgottnlore: howd you get there?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: yes
EyE Bleed Meta4s: buss
EyE Bleed Meta4s: subway
forgottnlore: wow.
forgottnlore: Why?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: haven't eaten since thursday
forgottnlore: omg
forgottnlore: eat something
EyE Bleed Meta4s: just had ti run
forgottnlore: what happened
forgottnlore: August?
forgottnlore: What did you do?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i left
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i ran away'
forgottnlore: Are you alright?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: packed a bag
EyE Bleed Meta4s: andjust left
EyE Bleed Meta4s: no
forgottnlore: why?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i'm not
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i just need to hide
forgottnlore: why?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: hide for a very long time
forgottnlore: why?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i can't take this world
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i refuse to let it make me ugkyagain
forgottnlore: WHAT HAPPENED?!
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i refuse to let it make me crazy again
forgottnlore: Will you answer mer?21
forgottnlore: me*
EyE Bleed Meta4s: alot of things
forgottnlore: like what?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: mainly mu best friend
EyE Bleed Meta4s: things went from bad to worse
forgottnlore: can you elaborate?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: that started it
EyE Bleed Meta4s: then a bunch fof people using me when i was in a lowly state
EyE Bleed Meta4s: so i left
forgottnlore: why do you need to hide?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: before i let them do what they wanted to do to me
EyE Bleed Meta4s: because i let bad people back into my life
forgottnlore: who?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and i have to hide from them
EyE Bleed Meta4s: people i used to do drugs with
forgottnlore: What did you do?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: the woman that raped me when i was young
EyE Bleed Meta4s: just everyone
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i just needed people there
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and they used me
forgottnlore: You talked to them?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and i can;t go back
forgottnlore: what did they do?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: yes
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i used
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i'm using now
forgottnlore: Where are you? a friends house?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: loft
forgottnlore: what are you gonna do?
forgottnlore: Whered you get money for the train and ect?
forgottnlore: You gonna stay in NY?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: sold some stuff i had hidden around ofr emergency
EyE Bleed Meta4s: some old peeps needed some weed
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i had quit
EyE Bleed Meta4s: so i sold it
EyE Bleed Meta4s: but i am came here
forgottnlore: ahh.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and have been using since
EyE Bleed Meta4s: iwent really overboard
forgottnlore: =(
EyE Bleed Meta4s: not weeed either
EyE Bleed Meta4s: heavier stuff
forgottnlore: What are you using??
EyE Bleed Meta4s: eh, i'd rather not say
EyE Bleed Meta4s: amphetamines
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i did a line
forgottnlore: why
EyE Bleed Meta4s: speed mostly
forgottnlore: why
EyE Bleed Meta4s: so i wouldn;t sleep
forgottnlore: ever hear of caffene pills?
forgottnlore: coffeee?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: not strong enough
forgottnlore: I cant believe you.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: yeah
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i fucked up
EyE Bleed Meta4s: at least i haven't hurt myself
forgottnlore: So what are you gonna do now?
forgottnlore: yes
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i was going to cut
EyE Bleed Meta4s: but i decided to just run away
forgottnlore: don't you cant
forgottnlore: so
EyE Bleed Meta4s: iwon;t
forgottnlore: what do you plan on doing?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i just need to be away for a while
EyE Bleed Meta4s: my mom is away fro a week
EyE Bleed Meta4s: she won;t stop me
forgottnlore: yeah.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: can;t
EyE Bleed Meta4s: they shooting up later
forgottnlore: what?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i haven't shot up since the one time with katie
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i am afriad of heroin and needles
forgottnlore: don't
forgottnlore: good
EyE Bleed Meta4s: they make me nervous
forgottnlore: godo
forgottnlore: good*
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i won;t
EyE Bleed Meta4s: they just freak me out
forgottnlore: good.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i
EyE Bleed Meta4s: its pointless
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i talk way too much
forgottnlore: no
forgottnlore: I. what. never mind.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i never do anything
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i just talk
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i need more action in life
forgottnlore: you need to not even think about touching that shit again.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: what?
forgottnlore: the fucking drugs.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i will once i get back
forgottnlore: will what?
forgottnlore: back where?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i only do it now to quell the hunger
forgottnlore: no
EyE Bleed Meta4s: home
forgottnlore: go buy somefood
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i'm not hungry
forgottnlore: only cause your fucking doing drugs
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i really want to cut
EyE Bleed Meta4s: not because i am sad
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i just feel creative
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i want to mod my body
forgottnlore: go vandleize something.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: even if its temporary
forgottnlore: god.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: they peirced my ears
EyE Bleed Meta4s: it wasnice
EyE Bleed Meta4s: we played games
forgottnlore: you are so different.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: used
forgottnlore: whats with you.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: sang
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i wish i could stay with them
forgottnlore: I don't like this part of you.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: but they're cause me to self destruct
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i just want to carve myself
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and hug everyone that i see
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and laugh
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and smile
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and not feel exposed
EyE Bleed Meta4s: or afraid
forgottnlore: You don't listen. and I don't like it when you ignore me and do such dumb shit
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i know
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i am just talking
forgottnlore: I realize
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i won;thurt myself
forgottnlore: I know
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and i'll get food
forgottnlore: but still
forgottnlore: you better
EyE Bleed Meta4s: doesn;t hurt to talk about how i feel
forgottnlore: cause you make me worry
EyE Bleed Meta4s: don't
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i
EyE Bleed Meta4s: m a trooper
forgottnlore: Of corse I'm gona worry, I've worried about you for the better part of the past 14 months.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: yes
EyE Bleed Meta4s: but i am not as bad as i was
EyE Bleed Meta4s: not even close
forgottnlore: I know, but still.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: its just amphetamines
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i took a safe amount
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i won;t die
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and i will get food eventually
forgottnlore: you sure will if you don't eatsomething.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i'm fine
forgottnlore: you better
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i just feel all over the place
forgottnlore: =(
EyE Bleed Meta4s: its like
EyE Bleed Meta4s: everything i feared
EyE Bleed Meta4s: is true
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and i don;t feel sad
EyE Bleed Meta4s: or depressed
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i just feel like getting as far away fromit as possible
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i left NJ because iknow how new jersey feels about me
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i know they think i am hideous
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and eccentric
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and weird
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and they'd rather stay away
EyE Bleed Meta4s: so fuck em
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i left
forgottnlore: =/
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and shut myself up in an apartment with some old peoplefrom the punk scene i grew up in
EyE Bleed Meta4s: once a punk always a punk
EyE Bleed Meta4s: so i feel safe here
EyE Bleed Meta4s: everyobe is ugly
forgottnlore: do you know them?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: everyone is beautiful
EyE Bleed Meta4s: everyone listens to me
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and ignores me
forgottnlore: good
forgottnlore: wait?
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i am just safe here
forgottnlore: thats good
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i'm still the ugliest one here by far
EyE Bleed Meta4s: but they don;t think that way of me
forgottnlore: neither do i
EyE Bleed Meta4s: they just know me as August
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i know
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i'm really sad
EyE Bleed Meta4s: really fucking sad
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and unhappy
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and i am about to fall apart
forgottnlore: =(
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i feel so sick
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i have no control over my emotions
forgottnlore: =(
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i just want to scar up my face and disfigure myself
forgottnlore: no
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and say its an accident
EyE Bleed Meta4s: maybe people will leave me alone if it looks like osmeone attacked me
EyE Bleed Meta4s: of course i would never do that
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i really
EyE Bleed Meta4s: really
EyE Bleed Meta4s: really
EyE Bleed Meta4s: want to be anorexic again
EyE Bleed Meta4s: ijust want to feel in control
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and be rewarded for it
forgottnlore: =(
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i want to be in control
forgottnlore: you are in control, weither you know it or not.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i want to be bones
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i just want to feel likenothing
forgottnlore: no, you don;t.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i just want to disappear
EyE Bleed Meta4s: becoming bones is the key to what i seek
EyE Bleed Meta4s: which is a whole lot fo nothing
forgottnlore: you dissapoint me.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: for the love that sprouts from it
EyE Bleed Meta4s: is no more real than the love that i..
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i can;t think of way toend it
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i suck horse hooves
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i know i disappoint you
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i disappoint everyone
EyE Bleed Meta4s: thats what i do sometimes
forgottnlore: its only cause you made so much progress
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i know
forgottnlore: and you like throw it all away
EyE Bleed Meta4s: not really
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i said i want to be anorexic
EyE Bleed Meta4s: doesn;t mean i will be
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i know what happens when i do those things
forgottnlore: ::sigh::
EyE Bleed Meta4s: sorry
EyE Bleed Meta4s: thats all i can really say
forgottnlore: Don't be sorry for the things you can't change.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i haven't done anything extreme
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and i won;t most likely
forgottnlore: And if you are sorry, you should be sorry for yourself.
forgottnlore: drugs aren't extreme?!
EyE Bleed Meta4s: amphetamines aren't
EyE Bleed Meta4s: the line of coke was bad
forgottnlore: yeah
forgottnlore: thats extreme
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i will not touch the stuff again
forgottnlore: I sure hope not.
EyE Bleed Meta4s: amphs are like diet pills
EyE Bleed Meta4s: the old ones that got discontinued
forgottnlore: still
EyE Bleed Meta4s: they keep me awake becaus ei don;t want to sleep
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and they curve my appetite
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i can't stand the site of food
forgottnlore: =/
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i saw kelly
forgottnlore: =( I'm sorry
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and that just sent me off
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i talked to her
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i don;t know why
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and i couldn't stop thinking
forgottnlore: =(
EyE Bleed Meta4s: of how she did what she did and all because i looked a certain way
EyE Bleed Meta4s: but it was different
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i didn;t cry
EyE Bleed Meta4s: or hurt myself
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i just went home and curled up and slept
EyE Bleed Meta4s: and i just stopped eating
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i couldn;t
forgottnlore: =(
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i had no appetite
forgottnlore: I can see why
EyE Bleed Meta4s: so that started
EyE Bleed Meta4s: ended up here
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i don't know what i am going to do
forgottnlore: =(
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i have no idea what to do next
EyE Bleed Meta4s: settle settle settle
forgottnlore: thats what you should dol
EyE Bleed Meta4s: they always settle for me
EyE Bleed Meta4s: they never really want me
EyE Bleed Meta4s: never really love me
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i'm on the bottom of a stack of choices
EyE Bleed Meta4s: all exhausted
forgottnlore: sleep!
EyE Bleed Meta4s: so they just settle for me
EyE Bleed Meta4s: never the better
EyE Bleed Meta4s: always the worse
forgottnlore: =(
EyE Bleed Meta4s: never first
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i'm never first
EyE Bleed Meta4s: always last
EyE Bleed Meta4s: always low
EyE Bleed Meta4s: always nothing
EyE Bleed Meta4s: always something
EyE Bleed Meta4s: iam something
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i am last
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i am nothing
EyE Bleed Meta4s: it hurts
EyE Bleed Meta4s: unimaginably
forgottnlore: =(
EyE Bleed Meta4s: but ii could careless sometimes
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i'm first somewher
EyE Bleed Meta4s: first to someone
EyE Bleed Meta4s: someone who isn't here anymore
forgottnlore: =(
EyE Bleed Meta4s: someone whowere never here to begin with
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i'm not trash
EyE Bleed Meta4s: i'm not pitiful
forgottnlore: no, you are not
EyE Bleed Meta4s: I'm not "ugly"
EyE Bleed Meta4s: I'm just last
forgottnlore: no
EyE Bleed Meta4s: always last
EyE Bleed Meta4s: never first
EyE Bleed Meta4s: never wanted
EyE Bleed Meta4s: so they settle
EyE Bleed Meta4s: they plant that spitfulneedleon me
EyE Bleed Meta4s: drop that rusty clicheanchor
EyE Bleed Meta4s: they settle on me
EyE Bleed Meta4s: they settle for me
1 stab wound| stab me please

Corrigan (Unfinished Poem Number 2) [26 Feb 2006|11:50pm]
I have a view
A lucid panoramic display
It sheds bitterly splendid fragments of long forgotten ideas that pitter patter their way under my sheets
During the evenings when I am incapable of saying no, or when, I suppose no is better

Admittedly eager to drop, from which I am still articulating, hoping to reach that festively decorated bottom
Pity, I will never go deep enough for knowledge of tomorrow requires me to be honest
"Be still. It is far from over>"

It is true, I have lived to see another one fall from the vine
I should be high on heal, removing the boisterous markings on my flag
But alas I am a stubborn make, so I leave mine blank, optioning to stay in the trenches, never to surrender
Selfish Katie Corrigan, living and fighting another day

Another mission endorsed by the calm and chill from beneath my pillow
Another struggle in my limbs to press onto the angelic light that rests beyond those satin retractable clouds
Another decay just beneath the chin, deep into the center of me
Another smiles then peals
Another one drops
stab me please

Honey (Unfinished poem number 1) [26 Feb 2006|11:40pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I felt this sick chill upon confirmations
She'd come to a halt for anything
She came to a halt over everything
Blistered amber casing
The contents are still fresh
Still sweet
Still Beautiful

I say the same thing to you now that I said when the sharpness angled you
"Stay bright amy dear. Stay warm and pitiful. It isn't all in vain"
That smile, that soft infectious trademark
It runs thick, down my throat, through my inside and helps to mold my spine
A sweetheart in intent and not just structure
Even when the life pours out of you
I can't hope but form the most intricate pattern around you
So sharp, so bitter-sweet, so pitiful

stab me please

[17 Feb 2006|11:23pm]
help me please. i'm going to peices.
stab me please

Q [17 Feb 2006|10:51pm]
Its cold tonight
And I am an addict
Who is forced to sleep alone
I feel numb
I feel dead
I feel empty
I am falling apart inside
I know I said we were finished
But I couldn't keep away
I will never be able to forgive myself for what I am about to do
stab me please

[15 Feb 2006|10:44am]
i hurt myself today
being me
i don't care
no one else does
my own best friend hasn't spoken to me in four months
she doesn't even know that i am sick and dying
no one really cares about me, hence i don't care
well maybe if you werent so down all the time when you talk to people... like dont wear ur emotions on ur sleeves
people are shallow
and aren't my real friends
real friends just aren't around for the good times
not everyone is going to be happy
and just because a person is sad doesn't make them and worse than anyone else
you people expect everyone to be around when you get sad and the moment its reversed you leave
i've had a lifetime of experience in this
people never want to hear another persons problems
but they willillingly unload theirs
i'm fucking dying
i am entitled to be sad
ok but live these days not in depression but try and live it out to the fullest
eat me
i want to hear you say the same thing when you know when you're going to die
its so easy to say when your alive and well
ok then if your gonna be mean about it then why are you talking to me then im trying to help you
you aren't trying to help me
i seriously doubt you would care if i weren't dying
I DONT CARE IF I DIE!
I want to
i dont want to freakin be here anymore
but i am
yes well you are here
and you get to live
i'll be dead in three months
trade places with me if you could and i would take it
you have a choice to live
i don't
its curtains for me
living and dying are both options for you
i don't have that
ok
what i don't undertsand until this day
is how you tiny brains can pigeon hold a person
if they're sad once in their life they aren't entitled to be sad again
like life is one great big happy place
news flash
people will be sad more times than they are happy in their life
and if they can't accept that then oh well
i've been in and out of the hospital for the past three years
i know what color sickness is
its not that dramatic go out with a smile tube in your nose tv bullshit
its somber
its, dare i say, depressing
a person who wants to live and is dying is harder than a person who wants to die and is living
you wanna die so much
there are ways to take care of that
i want to live
and i can't
i'm done
end game
i can't even leave my bed somedays
i can't do much of anything anymore
1 stab wound| stab me please

Old entry...so depressing. [22 Jan 2006|12:25pm]
WHEN DID YOU START?

About a year and a half ago.

FAMILY HISTORY OF SELF-HARM?

Does being a chain smoker or alcoholic count?

SUICIDE ATTEMPTS?

Two. I'd rather not talk about any.

TOOLS (IN ORDER OF MOST OFTEN USED)?

Shaving razors and box cutters for my arms. Knives on my legs.

WHERE DO YOU SELF-HARM?

Arms, upper thighs, calf.

ANY SYMBOLS YOU TEND TO ENGRAVE?

I carved someone's name in my leg. She's very upset with me because of it.

CLOTHES YOU REFUSE TO WEAR BECAUSE OF SELF-HARM?

"I say that I don't care what people think, but inside I really do. I'm so self-conscious. I have incredibly low self-esteem. And I live in a very small, close-minded town."

In addition to that I am an ugly, fat, disgusting, sack of shit, so I tend to not dress with the idea of sex appeal in the back of my head. I wear alot of skirts, long sleeves, black "gothic" or dressy attire. I wear short sleeves sometimes so people can see my scars if they care to look at me. They normally scare them away.

REASONS?

I started cutting as a form of punishment for eating and going off my diet(I'm anorexic/bulimic). But I realized that there is more that I need to be harmed for. I basically hate myself for getting so fat, which led to five years of physical and sexual abuse in addition to the eight years of abuse before that. If I weren't fat I would have never had to be treated so poorly by my family and peers, and the rest of society. Eventually getting my self raped because of my body type pushed me over the edge. I hate my body and I want it to change. I hate being someone that is untouchable. Cutting keeps me in line. But I'm trying to quit. Its just very hard when you wake up hating yourself in addition to the many others that despise you as well.
stab me please

old conversation but it made me smile [22 Jan 2006|03:36am]
The HunGr ArtisT: yeah well what was disgusting is that some random chick in the room overhead and said mmmm yummy
sup3rkath01d: hehehehe
sup3rkath01d: bigger isnt always better though
sup3rkath01d: i know from experience lol
The HunGr ArtisT: well i didn't say it was huge
sup3rkath01d: well how big?
sup3rkath01d: now im curious
The HunGr ArtisT: hmmmmmm
The HunGr ArtisT: not sure you should know
sup3rkath01d: this one guy i used to sleep with is like 11
The HunGr ArtisT: ;-)
The HunGr ArtisT: wow
sup3rkath01d: yeah
sup3rkath01d: and there was another guy i slept with who was almost that big
sup3rkath01d: mike was like almost 7, and that was better sex
sup3rkath01d: see, its not all about size
The HunGr ArtisT: well i hate to say it
The HunGr ArtisT: but I'm a freak
sup3rkath01d: really, i had no idea!!!
sup3rkath01d: why are you a freak now?
The HunGr ArtisT: because its out of control
sup3rkath01d: how out of control
sup3rkath01d: :-P
The HunGr ArtisT: when i think its set at one size
The HunGr ArtisT: its goes beyond to another
sup3rkath01d: hahahahaha
sup3rkath01d: awesome
The HunGr ArtisT: yeah
The HunGr ArtisT: no
sup3rkath01d: my boobs did that
sup3rkath01d: i thought they were done growing in high school
sup3rkath01d: but they got bigger since then
The HunGr ArtisT: you won't stop growing until you're 30
The HunGr ArtisT: i learned that the hard way
sup3rkath01d: boo!
The HunGr ArtisT: i grew an inch and a half
sup3rkath01d: theyre already to big!
The HunGr ArtisT: I'm 6'1 ish now
The HunGr ArtisT: on my right leg
sup3rkath01d: i hope youre talking about height
The HunGr ArtisT: yes
The HunGr ArtisT: of course
The HunGr ArtisT: dude
sup3rkath01d: hahaha
The HunGr ArtisT: 6'1 dong?
The HunGr ArtisT: that's not cute
sup3rkath01d: hahaha that would be so scary
The HunGr ArtisT: scary?
The HunGr ArtisT: more than that
sup3rkath01d: a 6 foot long penis, its like a nightmare
sup3rkath01d: kill you in your sleep
The HunGr ArtisT: hahaha
sup3rkath01d: this is the most fucked up convo ever
The HunGr ArtisT: I just thought about something really funny
sup3rkath01d: oh yeah/
sup3rkath01d: ?
The HunGr ArtisT: yeah
The HunGr ArtisT: the humber fluxuation is raunchy in it self
The HunGr ArtisT: I wish I could tell you.
The HunGr ArtisT: But if i did
The HunGr ArtisT: You may think less of me
The HunGr ArtisT: i don't want to sound like a tramp
sup3rkath01d: or, more of you?
sup3rkath01d: ok dont tell me
sup3rkath01d: :-P
sup3rkath01d: do you make me wait until our wedding night?
sup3rkath01d: you did say you were going to marry me right?
The HunGr ArtisT: In some strange and twisted world we might
sup3rkath01d: you can be my honorary husband
sup3rkath01d: for now
The HunGr ArtisT: meaning?
sup3rkath01d: i dont know
sup3rkath01d: hahah
sup3rkath01d: pretend husband
sup3rkath01d: like were playing house
The HunGr ArtisT: well i can give you a ring
The HunGr ArtisT: and then you can beat me
The HunGr ArtisT: just like a real marriage
sup3rkath01d: haha
sup3rkath01d: youll have to beat me
sup3rkath01d: and knock out my teeth
sup3rkath01d: then we can move into a trailer together
1 stab wound| stab me please

Emma Mud Skin [22 Jan 2006|02:40am]
I never intended to be discovered in your shadow
I only wanted to know what it was like...to be you
So lovely and inspiring
Flawless, like vapor
Ashamed, I look at my arms, and they aren't so beautiful
So I hurry to cover them with unfortunate results
Same sky, same water, same blood
But still I look nothing like her

My rough skin slips akwardly into this fabric
Decorated maiden love armor, your nighttime silhouette
I want to battle and be victorious
To walk away virginal and waiting...to be desired...taken...moved

In retrospect, I learned to love something cold
Something firm
Sharp, and rich in answers
None of them brought me any closer to you
Weary, war torn, home sick
I travel far and wide to hem of your shadow
Where I take refuge in the shade of what was once a loving match
A merry tandom
A strange duo
stab me please

[22 Jan 2006|02:38am]
My sister Jessica is a fucking goody two shoes. Die!
stab me please

[20 Apr 2005|09:17pm]
neon france: okay whats ur name
neon france: why are you never online when i get back1
neon france: !
neon france is away at 8:38:38 PM.
neon france returned at 8:47:25 PM.
The HunGr ArtisT: August
neon france: hello
The HunGr ArtisT: that's my name
The HunGr ArtisT: like the Month
neon france: ah cool
neon france: thats neat
neon france: so which one of my friends do u know
The HunGr ArtisT: i dunno if i should say because it woykd porobably be a dead give away
The HunGr ArtisT: but
The HunGr ArtisT: i guess
The HunGr ArtisT: I know Eric
The HunGr ArtisT: he used to date a friend of mine
neon france: which eric
The HunGr ArtisT: Dino Velvet Eric
neon france: oh alright
neon france: who else
The HunGr ArtisT: hmmm, this might be a dead give away and i am trying to keep low key.
The HunGr ArtisT: i'm shy like that
neon france: why
The HunGr ArtisT: defense mechanism
The HunGr ArtisT: i'm not very well liked around Willy P
neon france: alright..
The HunGr ArtisT: I'm the resident weirdo
neon france: erics here and he said he never heard of an august
The HunGr ArtisT: if you wanna call me that
neon france: oh
The HunGr ArtisT: August is my middle name.
The HunGr ArtisT: Its what I go by
neon france: whats your first name
The HunGr ArtisT: hehehe
The HunGr ArtisT: i dunno if i should
neon france: why
The HunGr ArtisT: it would be a dead give away
neon france: why dont you want me to know who you are?
The HunGr ArtisT: not sure, kind of frightened
neon france: tell me
The HunGr ArtisT: i have class with Eric
The HunGr ArtisT: I guess i should
neon france: yeah..
The HunGr ArtisT: give me a second while i give myself a pep talk
neon france: . . . . . . . ... . . . . .. . . .
neon france: . . ............... ... . . . .
The HunGr ArtisT: k
The HunGr ArtisT: I'm pepped
neon france: ok..
The HunGr ArtisT: you sound angry
The HunGr ArtisT: but regardless
The HunGr ArtisT: my fullname is Joshua Auguest Redman
The HunGr ArtisT: if that helps
neon france: why are you iming me
The HunGr ArtisT: i normally try to talk tpo everyone on my psace that goes here. i fina;;y got to you
neon france: oh..
The HunGr ArtisT: yes, just trying to be friendly
The HunGr ArtisT: but someone people aren't very friendly in return so i try to be as non creepy as i can be
neon france: oh..
The HunGr ArtisT: and wow, my typing has gone to hell
The HunGr ArtisT: has eric confimred my identity?
neon france: yes
The HunGr ArtisT: super
neon france: what class does eric have with you
The HunGr ArtisT: Film 3
The HunGr ArtisT: we worked on a film together
The HunGr ArtisT: he gave me a ride to the shoot
The HunGr ArtisT: he's a swell guy
neon france: uh huh
The HunGr ArtisT: i also know your rommate lauren
The HunGr ArtisT: and her friend Jason
neon france: oh
The HunGr ArtisT: well not know know
The HunGr ArtisT: but i have hung out with her a few times
The HunGr ArtisT: and i had class with her for a spell
neon france: what class
The HunGr ArtisT: env - 110
The HunGr ArtisT: i had to drop it so i can work at the hospital
neon france: ok
neon france: how did you get my screen name
The HunGr ArtisT: my space/livejournal
neon france: oh
The HunGr ArtisT: sorry if this creeps you out
The HunGr ArtisT: i dun mean it to be
neon france: what
neon france: oh yeah it was kind of creepy
The HunGr ArtisT: i could imagine
The HunGr ArtisT: i meant to talk to you earlier but i have been busy this semester with class, work, my girlfriend moving in, and my band recording
neon france: but why
The HunGr ArtisT: why talk to you?
neon france: why are you talking to me
The HunGr ArtisT: i try to talk to as many people as i can. i used to do it the old fashion way by just walking up and talking to them but i found that the wpu alliance on livejournal, and myspace is an easier way to meet interesting peopel without seriously imposing on their lives
neon france: you're creepy
neon france signed off at 9:16:33 PM.
1 stab wound| stab me please

[20 Apr 2005|07:58pm]
John Lowery's metamorphosis into John 5 didn't begin with a passion for shock rock, cosmetics, pyrotechnics, or gothic fashion. It started -- quite simply and purely -- with the guitar, as well as an almost fan-like appreciation for all styles of music. Before joining drummer Ginger Fish, bassist Twiggy Ramirez, and keyboardist M.W. Gacy in one of the most controversial bands of the past few years, 5 was an L.A. session player working with artists such as John Wetton, Robin Zander, Wilson Phillips, and Rick Springfield.

When he wanted to try working with a full-time band, 5 landed gigs with ex-Judas Priest vocalist Rob Halford, rocker David Lee Roth, and country diva k.d. lang. The Manson gig was an unexpected surprise.

"Although I had never seen him play live, I was already a huge Manson fan," explains 5. "I had a chance to see him perform in '98, when I was playing in Europe with Halford, but Manson canceled the show. I was crushed. When I got home from the tour, Manson's manager called and asked if I would like to meet Manson for lunch. Absolutely! So I met him at the Gaucho Grill in L.A., and he told me about all the trouble he'd been having with guitar players. Then he asked me to join the band -- right there -- and gave me the name 'John 5.' It was very exciting how quickly it all happened."

The guitarist signed on in time to perform on the band's Mechanical Animals tour and participate in composing material for Manson's latest release, Holy Wood [Nothing/Interscope]. "The album is a concept work," says 5. "The songs stream together with musical themes and recurring melodies. Making the album was an intense experience because there was a bit of voodoo surrounding the recording process. But all the weird places we worked in, and all the unusual ways we recorded sounds, help make Holy Wood a really interesting record to listen to."

All 5's experience playing with a diverse array of artists didn't quite prepare him for Manson's auto-destruct stage shows, tracking Holy Wood in the allegedly haunted Harry Houdini house, or recording parts out in the rain. Here is the story of a guitarist rising to a number of challenges, maintaining his sanity, and playing some great stuff.

What was your first gig with Manson like?

It was live -- in front of the whole world -- on the MTV Video Music Awards. I had no idea what Manson was like onstage because I had never been to a gig. When I watch the video of the performance, I can tell I had no idea what was going to happen. But it was a great first show.

How does working with Manson differ from your previous musical experiences?

Every situation is different, and there are different levels of enjoyment. The k.d. lang gig was fun because I love playing country music. Writing songs and playing with David Lee Roth was a childhood dream come true, and working with Rob Halford was an amazing experience. He is the metal god. But working with Manson is the first time in my life where I've felt like I'm part of the band and not just a sideman.

Did you have to adjust your style to fit into Manson's band?

No, but only because I take a unique approach to practicing -- I always work on a different style of music from that of the band I'm playing with. For example, if I'm in a country band, I'll play metal or jazz. Now that I'm in this heavy band, I play bluegrass and country music all day. Playing styles that are very different from the band allows me to cover all the bases, keep up my chops, and maintain a fresh approach to the instrument. I also try to learn something new every day -- I'm always reading books on music theory.

Describe the writing process for Holy Wood.

It was a group-oriented process because we wanted the record to have a real band sound. Manson said this was the first time the band actually jammed on the songs before recording them. That was very cool.

How was the album recorded?

Instead of going into a regular studio, we rented the Houdini house in Laurel Canyon. We brought in an old-school analog tape machine and a vintage Neve console for tracking, and we used Pro Tools for editing. It was a trip because the house is believed to be haunted, and weird things were happening all the time. One night, our drummer Ginger slept in the house and woke up hearing piano music. It was about 8 a.m., and the band usually arrived around 1 p.m., so he thought someone had shown up early. He went downstairs and walked over to the piano, which was behind a curtain. He pulled back the curtain to see who was playing, and the music stopped. No one was there. If that was me, I'd be pretty frightened! Other strange things happened, too -- like the control room would flood for no reason. It was a very weird place. We did some additional tracking at Manson's house, which was where the Rolling Stones did Let It Bleed.

How did you approach the guitar tracks?

We did everything in an old-school, '70s-style way with a few powerful guitar tracks turned up real loud. At the most, there are three or four layered guitar parts on each song, each with very different sounds. I'm really proud of the sounds on Holy Wood, and the tracks sound great when you lie back and listen to them wearing headphones.

Did you have a general setup for lead and rhythm sounds?

I wish there was, but we changed gear for every single song and performance -- guitars, amps, effects, mics, rooms, and everything -- so I can't recall everything that was used on each track or the way it was recorded. We did a lot of off-the-wall stuff, too. We'd sometimes play the guitar track through headphones, crank up the volume, and mic the headphones. We used every part of the house to record. I played in the kitchen, bathroom, backyard, and everywhere possible, and it often took hours of placing mics to get the sounds together.

We had lots of equipment in the studio -- all sorts of weird stuff I would never use live. For amps, we had an old European Davoli, some '70s Marshalls, a Fender Twin, a Laney, and a few Oranges. For guitars, we had several '70s Gibson Les Pauls and doublenecks. But the main guitars used on the album were Manson's Ibanez Artist, a Les Paul, and a Jackson Randy Rhoads model from Twiggy's collection. Also, the second engineer had a great '70s Les Paul. It had such a great tone that it was used at one time or another on every song. For effects, we had all these old Foxx and Electro-Harmonix effects pedals from the '70s. We would just experiment with everything until we found the perfect sound. The actual performances didn't take long at all.

How did you record the acoustic sounds on "Lamb of God"?

I used a beat-up '52 Gibson acoustic, which I also used to record the parts on "The Fall of Adam" and "In the Shadow of the Valley of Death." For "Lamb of God," we miked the guitar in a very unusual way. There were about seven mics set up around me and then more mics set up around the guitar. There were so many mics that I couldn't move an inch. To make things even worse, they put this big blanket over me to deaden the sound. It was so hot under there that I was sweating and couldn't breathe. I knew I'd have to get the part right, or I was going to die if I had to keep doing it over. Luckily, I was able to cut the track quickly. In contrast to that experience, I recorded "The Fall of Adam" outside in the pouring rain. We did a lot of odd things to make all the parts sound very different -- even if we were using the same gear.

Did you use any alternate tunings?

I used a few open tunings for certain parts. In "Godeatgod" I used a very strange tuning -- [low to high] B, D, D, G, B, E, and for the intro of "The Fall Of Adam," I tuned [low to high] F, A, F, Ab, C, F. Having played in a lot of country bands, I've learned that alternate tunings sometimes sound better because the strings ring out on certain chords and produce a sweeter sound. I would figure something out, do the track, and then write down the tuning so I wouldn't forget it. When I play any of those songs that I recorded in open tunings onstage, I transpose them to standard tuning and make the best of it. I can't really switch guitars in the middle of a song.

How does your live rig differ from the gear you used in the studio?

My live rig is fairly simple compared to the pile of vintage gear we had in the studio. I use two Laney VH100 heads -- one is a backup -- and Laney 4x12 cabinets. They've proven to be extremely tough. The vintage stuff would never survive a live Manson show! He'll come over and smash my amps or light them on fire, and the Laneys just keep going. It's hilarious! I've also put all my pedals in rack drawers behind the stage, because on the last tour, Manson smashed up my pedalboard. And there's nothing more stressful than having your guitar sound snuffed out. For this tour, I'm using a Rocktron MIDI pedalboard, which is as tough as nails.

In the pedal rack, I have a Boss Super Overdrive, an Ibanez Smash Box, a Boss Chorus, an Ibanez Chorus/Flanger -- which was the most used pedal on Holy Wood -- set for a very warbly sound, a Guyatone Tremolo and Wah-Rocker, a prototype Ibanez Lo-Fi pedal, a Guyatone Phaser, an Ibanez digital delay, a Line 6 delay, and a Dunlop wah and a volume pedal.

How do you set your amp's tone controls for live shows?

I go for a very light distortion and a real deep, bassy tone. I set the gain around 3, the volume around 6, bass on 10, middle on 4, and treble on 8. I always change the tone slightly for every arena or hall because they all sound different. I'm also using a Palmer direct system -- instead of miking the cabinets -- so when Manson trashes the stage, I don't have to worry about mics going down and cutting out my guitar sound.

What guitars do you take on the road?

I'm always changing guitars during the show, so I bring a lot of them on tour. My main guitar is an Ibanez AX. It's a great guitar with a very full tone. I have four of those and backups for everything else. I'm also using an Ibanez Iceman and three Les Pauls -- a tobacco sunburst Standard, a black three-pickup Custom, and a cherry sunburst Standard. For acoustic parts I use a Taylor 914, but for the times when I have to switch between electric and acoustic sounds during the same song, I use an Ibanez RG electric with a piezo system.

How do you like your guitars set up?

I like the action very low because I have a very light touch. I never break strings. I use D'Addario .009s on most of the Ibanez guitars, and .010s on the three-pickup Les Paul. I've got .011s on one of the Ibanez guitars that's tuned down to C#. I also adjust my guitar strap higher up -- like a jazz guy would play. It makes a big difference in your hand position if the guitar isn't hanging below your waist. Some guys can play that way, but I can't.

What things have you learned that have helped you become a better musician?

One thing you have to understand is that the tone is in your fingers. Page, Van Halen, Hendrix -- their sound is in the way they fret notes and pick. Also, when I was younger and I saw Rush or early Who, I could hear each instrument very well, and the band didn't sound like a bunch of noise -- that inspired the kind of sound I want. It's really important to me that the audience can hear every note. My rhythm guitar tone is very clean, and, for solos, I'll click on a heavier distortion, but I make sure the sound isn't muddy. If you ever go to a Manson show, you'll hear every little squeak my guitar makes.

What goals have you set for the future?

Who knows what will come in the future, but when I'm much older, you may be flipping through the channels one Saturday night and see me playing at the Grand Ole Opry. And Manson will probably be there, too -- throwing water bottles at me!
stab me please

Back in Business [19 Apr 2005|11:46pm]
Its been a while but Paganesanders is up and running again. I will be writing in this journal again to coincide with the creation of Movement I by InAdia. I'll post pictures, lyrics, and bits and pieces on the concept behind it. I will have to rebuild everything, as I have lost many people on friend's list. Hopefully this will make room for more devoted followers. Time to get it done baby.
stab me please

Return of the Yellow Star [05 Jan 2005|01:31am]
Belated aperture blocks the merger on the opposing end
Elated amateur, have you never done anything like this before?
Do I simply lay hands upon the deceased and wait for the burn?
Or should I panic and rush these manic eyes into the pit of her throat?

I am frightened
How can she test me with these curves in my hands?
All that I am aware of is this heat that surfaces then fades
I have never breathed life into the living, how can I with the dead?
I am so very anxious to end her delay

This Russian primitive travels in a neo native form
Confidence, subdued, in the movement of her cracked lips
An astonishing liberty
Heaven benefits from the work of these stems
She laughs aloud in envy
Goddess
She is moving

Hands above the skin
Stretched at the hip She shakes in odd stone references as she turns over into the acid
Revived
Pull me across the ravine so that I may starve in the company of ancient form and matter
Hands diligently washed as I prepare her for the acid

I am pronounnced as a bate worthy catch in the eyes of this maturated wire mold

Inyadja
Born, branded, and shaped
Wicked tongue for a contemporary martyr

I have had better days
I am almost certain that I have had better days than this

How tragic, this day will be known as a play in the form of the acid
My name whispered above the breath of the mother country, who gives way to the acid and slowly erupt into flames
I smirk in denial as I cool my hands and wait for another

Born, branded, shaped
Our impartial martyr
Generous daughter of the flame

I am ecstatic
To place my hands on the lifeless
It is my mission to rid this girl of her sting and eventual torture
Immaculate as fire aperture

Revived
Acid
Miracle charm

Their hope bends to the will of my heart
My hands, dried and prepared, reach out in vain
For this rope
Focus
Pull

The hole cancels out what they adore
The day, it rests on the back of my neck
Forward
Advance
Reclaim

I removed her breath from the air of despair
My road is restricted by the strength of this glass
I weep, hoping not to advance
To never follow this predestined rope to the end

Focus
Pull
Revived
Deny
Resist and accept
The cold ache of space is waiting for me
stab me please

Skin Hunger [26 Dec 2004|05:20pm]
My delay from ages ago is more than a mere cosmic grind to an ever motionless planet
From this malign distance I can feel the cold air mixing into the ash on my acid worn finger tips
I have been made humble again by the plasticity of my situation
What keeps me here?
I am destined to be light years away, examining my faith, trying to come to terms with what needs to be done

I sometimes feel the urge to remove all of my clothing
Divide up my skin, and let the masses cart me away
I will no longer be whatever it was that I was intended to be
And once again this merger will come to a halt

It is impossible for me to take to the skies
And the warmth
I have learned to make due without
I am discovering marks on my back that do not have an origin
My choice to dwell is no longer an option, now that the treatments has become more dynamic
Dancing solutions, my eyes have fixed upon their wooden grace
Marching toward the puddle where I lay
Waste I would have made of them all
If only I were not so weak
But that will change
The blood will reseed
The hunger will go away

Heroine covered in glass
Free from the touch of the world
My mission does not reward
Mother has said Inyadja must not want what others have
She praises the filthy godsend that has me trapped inside of this starvation
When the hunger becomes to great
I begin to...

The pains have made it impossible for me to speak at length
So I disguise my fatigue in the form of necessity
Offering myself to you
Has compromised the inevitable truth to my purpose

Wedding speech and older bells drown out the longing as I am given away by the air to the cosmic laughter of an ever violent hole
Still, it is to wide to ever wrap itself around me
My mother's voice has thickened
I can almost recognize the pattern of the stars, the pattern of these walls

I have returned to this dusty familiar floor
My muscles scream, my eyes foggy
Bitter belief runs all over
I cannot keep doing this
Inyadja wishes to go back inside
Grant her a roof so that she may spread her grief in front of you
Open your arms and gather her will, feed her to the earth
Perhaps it is better that she expires this way
When the hunger becomes this great
She begins to shake
She begins to shake
stab me please

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